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Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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It was not a lie when I said I cared, else I would not have sent word to Elanor.
If this is Lord Glorfindel, and he has been tainted by evil - and it is not so uncommon for those who believed themselves free of Angband to carry a shadow with them - I would rather see him die by elven hands and find a swift recovery in Mandos than waste away and spread fear and dissent among the Lords. In these times his death would be a mercy to all, not merely himself. Ridding him of the curse that has been placed upon him would be no more possible than to bring down Morgoth by elven power.
The thought hurts and sickens me nonetheless, but they do not need to know.
If this is a shapeshifter - and that, too, has been done before - then his death will rid us of another evil.
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Friday, September 15th, 2006
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There has been evil in the city before. Whether the death of the so-called lady of the Moles was by the hands of another servant of Morgoth, or by one poisoned by his black thoughts so much as to slay their kin, Gondolin has been discovered, and it is only a matter of time until we are destroyed, whether from the inside or from without.
I shall welcome death.
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Monday, February 27th, 2006
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She was weak before, the healers said, and she was aware of the risk, and yet she chose the natural way of giving birth, instead of the incision they suggested. It was a mistake that cannot be undone now. Where is the fairness in a trade as this, a life for a life?
Nyellote. Would that you were still here in place of the girl, poor little creature that does not even have a name.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
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Usually, peace and quiet reign in these halls, and there are no people to treat; except for some that have been over-eager at swordplay and come here to have injuries or broken bones mended; except for children that have not been careful enough and want to have their little hurts healed.
Now it is not silent. Although I am alone, confined to the bed and sheltered from the sight of others by curtains and walls, I can still hear their voices. It is even worse at night, when the sounds in the city die down and I can hear the wounded more clearly. It is hard to find sleep when I know so many soldiers have given their life or will give it yet. So many youths deemed themselves safe in this mirror of Tirion, and joined the ranks of the military -- they never faced a creature of Morgoth before this day.
What poor fools they all are. What poor fools we all are. As others suffer nightmares of the Nirnaeth Arnoediad, those who fought the cat-demons will have nightmares of those day, or days. (I do not know how much time has passed, nor how I came here. I can only remember what those monsters inflicted on me before my hroa was forcefully pushed past its limits.)
I wonder how many were lost to those beasts, how many strangers and how many friends. Elentirmo? Other Golden Flowers? Other White Wings? Lord Tuor himself (they will tell me nothing, they insist I need rest)? Lord Glorfindel, whom I tried to protect out of more than duty?
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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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They do mistake me for Lord Glorfindel.
If they waste their energies torturing me, they might, in the end become careless, thinking me weakened. I might yet have a chance, however unlikely, to rescue Lord Tuor and flee.
If they do learn of my true identity, I will not be of any use for them, and death is all that awaits.
I have nothing to lose but my life, and it is at stake whatever happens.
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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
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| Time: | 10:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  nervous. |
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The city is uneasy. Tongues are wagging on the marketplace as usual, or even more eagerly, if such is possible.
I am not one to listen to gossip, but the rumors are too unsettling not to notice them. It is commonly believed that Daeron found another victim, though people do not yet know who was murdered.
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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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His Captain, his soldier, his esquire, his heir, his son. What else am I to him? Why did he approach me and asked me to again pledge my allegiance to him?
What is he to me?
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Saturday, October 9th, 2004
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Nesséro, i mean it quite seriously, forget all this. It only causes more anguish, and if the Dark Lord robs us of what little happiness we can find before the end of our time here, then truly, he has won. but you have not faded from grief, and so you are not as lost as you think you are. if you think this way, though, you might well be, and then we will lose one more sword that might have made a difference in our battle against his dark servants.
Elentirmo told me this a long time ago, and until now, I had never realized it was true. I heard that the King allowed him to resign from duty to be there for his children, and I am glad he is happy now. He deserves it, and these orphans need him. I sometimes see Calandil in the city, and now that he is helping his 'uncle', he, too, looks happier.
Perhaps it is better that he is not home. Even I am barely able to call it home anymore. As the child within her grows, Nelloth and I grow more distant from each other by the day, despite my best efforts. I spend as much time with her as possible, but some things have not changed. I still have my duties, be it at the House of the Golden Flower, or the House of the White Wing. Tuor is a good lord, and there is a certain power about him, but sometimes I regret leaving Glorfindel's service... until I remember what he did to my son.
Tuor's people are few, and at first they avoided me, as it seems I have gained a reputation of being brutal, but the situation has become better, perhaps because of the punishment I endured. Only the Moriquende is capable of inventing such a thing... yet I must grudgingly confess I respect this Aranwe. He is different.
However, all that does not change things. I am not content... but I am not going to let this weapon of the Dark Lord do its work.
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So Tirmo is gone now, and no one knows for how long. It is said that he will return at summer's end, but I do not know how this would be possible. He is working in an orphanage now, and apparently my traitor son has sought shelter there as well.
I should speak with Elentirmo himself about everything, if he still wants to see me after all that happened, and he has a lover now, after all.
But the new Captain of the King's Guard, Halatir, is such a nuisance and but newly-come from the Gate. He lacks experience, any soldier of this city of high rank could fulfill this task better than him!
Eru himself only knows why Turgon has appointed Halatir to this position!
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I suppose I should be grateful that I have been given a new occupation. To serve in the King's Guard is a great honor, even if all I get to do at the moment is paperwork. I know Elenti - Captain Elentirmo means best for me, just as Elentirmo always does.
But it feels so wrong. He is my best friend, I should not have to adress him as a superior, because he may be in rank, but not otherwise. We should be equals, or no friends at all. Despite that, I cannot bring myself to end our friendship, not after all we have gone through together. The Ice, the Nirnaeth Arnoediad, and all things in between Valinor and now, and it would make both of us feel even worse.
Maybe I should go to Arassuil, as my Lor - as Glorfindel does. Old habits are hard to break, I will need some time to get used to not being a Golden Flower anymore, after all I am the first of my family to leave this House. But Glorfindel is no longer my Lord, not after what he has done to Calandil.
I wonder where Nelloth is. Has she left to live with a friend? If so, I am alone with nothing but my work, and that at least I will do diligently. And I will not let Elentirmo know what I feel. I do not want him to worry, and he might not understand.
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Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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Nyellotë... if only I could visit you and tell you what has come to pass... Our son is no longer in any danger, and though it comes as a surprise to learn Prince Argon is still alive after he was believed to have died in battle, I am sure he does not prove a threat like Glorfindel or Maeglin.
I want to know where you are... but you wish to remain alone, and I shall not meddle in your affair... I believe that is one thing I have learnt in all this trouble...
As for myself... I am surprised. I had expected a punishment for my actions, and yet... Your father Nessero shall serve in my Guard under the command of Captain Elentirmo, and so will have no direct authority over your person."
I had never thought we should work together, Elentirmo. A soldier of the King's Guard... this is better than I had hoped. No longer in the House of the Golden Flower, as I had wished for, for how could I remain in a house whose Lord proved violent enough to abuse his people, those he was sworn to protect?
I cannot believe all this happened. Nyellotë, I beg you, come back soon.
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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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Lord Glorfindel wants me to become his esquire.
They call him The Beloved, not only because of his fair looks, which have undoubtly enchanted many in the city... he is strong, just and kind, though there is a side to him most citizens, and I suspect even few in his service have ever seen, unless they did give him reason to show it.
But he offered me a new position, and what can I do but accept it? He needs my help.
"And Nesséro, don't even think about disobeying me again."
How can I refuse? I am bound to his will, to his service, and maybe I do indeed deserve another form of punishment, that humiliates me as much as I humiliated the Mole?
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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The summons have come, and now that I stand before the King, my thoughts, which have showed me the attack over and over again until last night, dwell now elsewhere.
She has sought refuge with Nimphelos of the Fountain, or so she said in her letter, but where I felt her presence before, there is now only a darkness and pain which I cannot penetrate with my mind, though I try, and try again; yet without success.
What happened to her? I need to know... but now my own future and therewith her future and that of our unborn child is at stake as well. They depend on me, so I will have to listen and to concentrate, and try to forget my worries for the moment.
Nelloth, what happened to you?
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Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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It is strange... I find myself thinking more on what happened between Lord Glorfindel and me after the fight than of the fight itself.
I could have bested Maeglin, or maybe, in some unfortunate turn of events, could have been slain. That, however, might have given me one assurance I desperately wish for: Maeglin would no longer trouble this city with his Moriquendi practices and dark thoughts that poison the minds of innocents, for when I had been killed, even the Mole Lord would have died, in the same way his father did.
But so... my enemy is alive, and I will have to be careful around any members of his house, when Lord Glorfindel ends my confinement. If he does. If the King's judgement permits it.
But I had never suspected him to be this brutal. I have seen Lord Glorfindel slaying orcs in the Nirnaeth, yet that was different... they were foes, I was not... or perhaps I appeared a foe to him, with my silence and defiance. It must have been so.
And yet, I will not apologize, unless the King himself commands it.
Ai, I am weary.
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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Neither of this is necessary to destroy a world.
All it takes is the stupidity of one person.
This person is me.
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Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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| Time: | 11:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  angry. |
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Impertinent child!
He may think he is the Prince of Gondolin, Lord of a House, but nothing more than a child he is! How few years has he lived? In this city? In Beleriand? For the Valar's sake! He is but a child!
Yet... a child with power in his hands, greater power than I will ever possess. He seems skilled to me - not only in the metalwork and mining he prides himself with - but sly and cunning in the art of deceiving and luring others with false promises of glory and great deeds! All those in his house will accomplish is to labour in the mines and jump at his bidding! He has already turned my son against me, and tries to take him away from his family!
I will not let him. Not now. Not ever. But I must be careful, lest greater ill for my family and me comes from this.
Calandil can not truly mean what he said to me, what he always says. He is but been blinded and walks into the Moriquende's trap, and seemingly noble words have made him heedless for any advice. I will let him walk, let him walk until he stands but one step away from Maeglin's trap - and then I will draw him back to me, back into his father's arms where he rightly belongs!
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nauseated.
crushed.
confused.
frustrated.
blah.
worried.
tired.